#struggling and wishing i was dead | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

touchlikethesun · 1 year ago

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#perfect jan 1st plans #sobbing in the fetal position under the bed like a child #god today sucks #this is why i use escapism so much #i try not to for one single goddamn day and look where that got me #seriously considering disappearing #it’s been years of this #years of one crisis after another and nothing ever gets better #everyone says it gets better eventually but i’ve felt like this since i was 12 #over a decade of my life #struggling and wishing i was dead #and for what? i have nothing to show for it #no accomplishments barely any meaningful relationships no hobbies #just pain and pain and failure and embarrassment and pain #fucking hell #i’m so stupid i’m so worthless i’m so pathetic i can’t keep living with myself #vent

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xx-psych0-rabbit-xx · 5 months ago

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cyn doodles+drew all the main guys in my style.ill miss them </3

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kitcats-1-braincell · 2 months ago

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ISAT-OBER: Day 26, 27 and 28

Help/Help Yourself

Bright/Dim

Follow/Universe

I kinda just fucked around with effects for this one, didn’t really know what I was doing 😭 I don’t really like the Siffrin?? But it’s fine, I’m just glad I finally did something :3

Without text + extra stuff under the cut!!

I also fucked around with gradient maps and ended up with this silly little loop :3c

#kit is not dead #in stars and time #isat #art #my art #isatober #isatober2024 #isat siffrin #isat loop #kits isatober struggle #isat spoilers #it’s implied #in stars and time siffrin #in stars and time loop #not one of my best ones but that’s ok #wish it was better #I really don’t like the Siffrin why did I add that blur #why did I think that was gonna look good??#aaaaaaaaaa

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planet-crait · 3 months ago

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Okay so I was trying to grab a screenshot of something for a shitpost I’m making and I only just noticed the hardcore side eye Mr. Guzman is giving Dev.

LIKE MR. GUZMAN HE IS A SMOL CHILD HES JUST HANDING OUT KNOCK OFF MAGIC BANDS SO HIS CLASSMATES CAN HAVE FUN AT THE FOUNDERS DAY EVENT CHILL OUT!!!! HES DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WROND HE TRUSTS AND LOVES HIS DAD LEAVE HIM ALONE ITS NOT HIS FAULT HIS DAD IS SHITTY HES DOING HIS BEST STOP ASSUMING THE WORST OF HIM.

#dev dimmadome #fop #fop a new wish #fairly oddparents #fairly odd parents a new wish #if Dev has a million fans I am one of them #if dev has a hundred fans I am one of them #if dev has one fan I am his only fan #if he has no fans I am dead #poor kid #even his teachers won’t give him a chance #no wonder he struggling so much

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crows-of-buckets · 6 months ago

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I cannot get the idea of a da2 au where Malcolm is the surviving parent instead of Leandra. Would both of the twins have made it out? I think they would. Because like. Malcolm, unlike Leandra, can actually fight. I don't think either of the twins would have felt the need to protect him. Would the deep roads expedition even have to happen? I assume they would probably be worse off in this au since I don't think Gamlen would lend his aid. Obviously ignoring the very valid reasons why Malcolm would NEVER take his children to Kirkwall, or anywhere near it, how different would it be? Idk why it's plaguing my head rn but LORD

#dragon age #specifically thinking about this with lucio #malcolm seeing his eldest fall head over heels for an apostate healer: huh. must be an amell family trait or something #i think things would go so different #no amell fortune for them to claim #idk if they would even be able to get INTO kirkwall but like assuming they do #i think malcolm would take a much more active role than leandra #leandra was used to a life of luxury so of course she would struggle finding a good payibg job especially while grieving for her child #malcolm is an apostate i wholy believe he can get shit done #malcolm hawke #hawke da2 #carver becomes and templar and malcolm spends a good five whole hours yelling at him #like yeah a templar may have helped him escape but. his SON??? a TEMPLAR??? fuck no #i wish we saw more of malcolm he fascinates me #<- person who is notorious for getting overly attached to dead dad chatacters

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premamelody · 7 days ago

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out of time

#undertale yellow #uty #meta flowey #utysd #meroyah #premaposting #flowey #hehe deploy jack stauber #i have this funny idea that every fight starts commotion right #so theres a timer until flowey's like wait a minute and sees you #this is what i meant by that one post #guys he blind not stupid #im a concept person i barely have video game creation knowledge. just enough for a side scroller #i wish i can lock in but college boutta hit me like a truck man. ima lready struggling with physics a lil #oh yeah back to surviving death uh. i need to draw meroyah more #man i sure do wish souls lost parts of them like blood or smth when hit bc blood splatter would make this look cooler #oh yeah theyre not sad about clover possibly dying. thats angry tears. clover is dead.#meroyah joining the team is unlikely purely because they cannot stop fighting. if they do then theyll repeat the mistake...their oversight #the oversight that caused their death. his death. flowey's first death. asriel's death #but im find out how to make it happen.

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euthymiya · 2 months ago

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I change my vision depending on the selfship tbh

#riv rambles #I know some people have a set one but #I really do think depending on the selfship and the setting #the vision and the archon/message of said vision #would vary #like for example with alhaitham it’s electro because #I interpret electro vision wielders to be people of a specific ambition or goal #raiden and eternity or yae and freeing ei or dori and mora or kujo sara and being loyal to the shogun or cyno and upholding justice #there’s a hyper specific goal that all electro vision wielders are very centered and focused around that they are canonically vry ambitious #about achieving/maintaining #with alhaitham my selfship insert is very ambitious and dedicated to integration of desert children to the akademiya and just better #integration of the desert folks in the political system in general in sumeru #and with Wriothesley and Kinich it would be pyro because #I interpret pyro vision wielders to have one specific passion that they are very attached to #it’s not more so an ambition but more so a constant that they hold very dear and are passionate about #amber with the knights and klee with her explosives and lyney with magic and xiangling with cooking and yoimiya w fireworks + yanfei w law #bennett with adventuring and Hu Tao with business and xinyan with music and again the list goes on #anyway I think in the case of my selfship with wrio my insert is rather passionate about prison reform and in my selfship with Kinich it #centers around being passionate about the nation itself and natlan’s wellbeing/safety in an ongoing war with the abyss #and with ayato its cryo bc i think cryo vision wielders are people who have two sides of themselves constantly at battle #diona hates alcohol but makes fantastic drinks. kaeya conflicted with loyalty to his ancestry vs his nation atm. Eula conflicted with her #clan identity vs being a knight. Ayaka conflicted with duty vs living life as she pleases. shenhe and ganyu struggle between the adeptal #and human worlds since they’re involved with both #qiqi is alive but dead. freminet is loyal to the house of the hearth but wishes to also be free. and wrio ofc is in some ways a hero and #in some ways a criminal and those conflicting natures of his actions are at odds with each other very complexly so #ANYWAY #ofc again the list goes on but #for ayato I would consider my insert a cryo wielder because I think that being an arranged marriage #there’s conflict of duty vs personal choice and freedom but also not wanting to hold affection for him at first vs developing it anyway #labeling myself to one vision element for my insert all across the board I suppose leaves no room for the nuances of visions themselves

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kyofsonder · 3 months ago

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Brain in Daylight Hours: There is no mental or emotional space for writing. There are no new ideas, and no structure for old ideas.

Brain after Dark: Here's 38 new ideas, 3/4 of a structure, official permission to write, and -- oh. The only place to write in the dark is your phone? ... Never mind.

#writing #well #not writing at the moment #I saw a post about characters doomed by the narrative #and the fridged wife trope #and it got me thinking about Apricots #about whether Jess should be dead from the start #and how much it matters that it's a multi-POV story with hers as one of the vital points of view #and whose POVs are ultimately included #and how they kind of mimic the classic 5 stages of grief in a way #but each has to escape their part of that cycle in one form or another #and about how each is a reflection of me in some way because of course they are because that's how I write things #and about how the villains are a reflection of my views about certain things too #and about how the story takes shape #and how it's someone who was dead long before Jess was ever born who's really been doomed from the start #Basil is doomed by the narrative and he knows this #Jess thinks she's doomed by the narrative but she has the chance to change that #Noah resents the narrative because he believes someone has to be doomed by it and he hates the idea of anyone being doomed #Ian thinks there has to be a way out of the narrative if he can just move props around the stage the right way #Kade finds the events of the narrative lonely and sad but knows that clinging to a prologue only makes the rest harder to read #Luciana has believed most of these things at some point #now she believes that while the narrative deserves to be destroyed the characters in it do not so all she can do is endure #and none of these are exactly organized thoughts #or give me any insight into the structure of the plot #or the things I've been struggling with #but it was almosf coherent for a whole hour tonight #and only the idea that writing on my phone until 2 or 3 am would hurt my wrists/hands/eyes stopped me #if only I could keep the light on just a little longer at night #it's a risk to my budgie's health and I refuse to do that #but I wish I could write in the hours my brain says I'm allowed to write...

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freezerprince · 7 months ago

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shocking! this universe's forty-seventh deeply unwell betty grof kinnie has lived to die another day! (not shocking) (it's the eighth day this has happened in this week alone) (if you are the dog and I am the dog then who is driving the sled)

#i cant get into my discord rn cause im still struggling to get my phone number transferred to my new service carrier and ummmm #yea well uhhhhh hiiii i have. art to share soon my phone got stolen and my laptop has veen dead since saturday. also our apartment flooded #from sprinkler runoff wheb the unit above us caught fire which is cool its cool its cool.#yay :) im clawing my way slowly and desperately into the safe boughs of my petrigrof comfort zone and all the veautiful people within #i do think ill enact the one shot idea i had as a kind of dogsled continuation regardless of trendiness. also i started a little comic....#....well wish me luck and stay tuned ?

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orcelito · 4 months ago

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Ok I'm thinking about kabuto backstory again and thinking about how unfair and fucked up it all is like

> be Danzo

> threaten local orphanage mother into returning to being a spy (by threatening the kids there)

> force them to send One Kid too because he "lost a man" while obtaining the intel he's threatening her to spy over (the kid is Kabuto, who volunteered bc he overheard them threatening the mother over this) (Danzo knows he overheard)

> train kabuto to be a spy while orphanage mother is off on her long spy job as well

> bait spy mom with the promise of keeping kabuto safe to keep her agreeing to work with you

> decide they both are too good at their jobs (????) Of being spies (that work for you?????)(they've been loyal this whole time????) So they're too dangerous and both need to die

> keep mom and kid away from each other as kid grows up

> literally DOCTOR FAKE PHOTOS of the kid growing up to make it seem like he looks totally different now???? So she won't recognize him?????

> give her the assassination assignment of killing the Real Kabuto (who she won't recognize) so they'll kill each other

> whoops, Kabuto survived and killed her instead, oh well at least Orochimaru's watching him now

I'm just like. How fucked up is it to threaten these people into working as spies for you "for the good of Konoha", and then decide that these people (who have given NO INDICATION of intending to betray Konoha) are too good at being spies and thus Too Dangerous and should be killed for it. But no he can't just kill them in a normal way. He had to manufacture an entire scenario so that they'd kill EACH OTHER while making the mom not recognize him (with the express purpose of breaking the kid's spirit) like BROOOOOO I know you ordered the whole Uchiha clan to be massacred (conducting genocide for the sake of 'peace') actually now that I think about it he ordered this of itachi. Ordered him to kill his own family. Of course Danzo would get off on making a mother and son kill each other "for the good of Konoha" he's almost fucking cartoon villain level of horrible past the point of logic EXCEPT there really are people this awful that have existed. Plenty of them. And they have also justified it as being "for the good of [nation]" like that's the Thing, he's a war hungry nationalist that has decided He Knows Best so he's going to fuck up SO many people's lives, up to and including his own damn citizens!!!! And this bitch thinks he deserves to be kage?!?!?! Fucking Hiruzen letting him run wild like this. He knew Danzo was stealing children and indoctrinating them into a murder cult (where, keep in mind, he purposefully raises kids in pairs so they view each other as family AND THEN ORDERS THEM TO KILL EACH OTHER)(AGAIN!!!! with the family killing, what is his PROBLEM) but Hiruzen just let it fucking happen. Spineless fucking piece of shit. He fucked Naruto up he fucked Orochimaru up he fucked up Royally with Danzo like come ONNNNNNNNNN

Rattling the bars of my cage rn at how awful Danzo is and how he was able to just. DO THIS???? I know the bitch is dead but he's not dead enough. Give me the glock.

#speculation nation #fanny watches naruto #sorry im just losing my mind over this. this changes EVERYTHING with kabuto #and you know i already hated danzo so much. but i just now realized his fucking obsession with making family members kill each other #it's probably for the sake of 'killing their emotions' which he sees as necessary to become a good ninja (*cough* a good tool for the state)#im kicking danzo's head in as we speak. the skull. or whatever was left after he exploded. probably nothing much actually.#it's not good enough I NEED TO KILL HIM SO BADDDDD HE NEEDS TO BE DOUBLE DEAD TRIPLE DEAD #QUADRUPLE OR PERHAPS EVEN INFINITY DEAD.#sets up an infinite time loop of me killing Danzo just to make sure hes super super super super dead #YELLING SCREAMING I HATE DANZO SO MUCHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!#honestly as much as i loved sasuke killing danzo i wish itd happened later.#bc danzo's stinky fingers were in so many pies. he was set up as this horrible mastermind #and then he dies... what... 2/5ths into shippuden?? and what do we have now. cringefail sadboy decided to kill the world for his fantasies?#weird alien goddess?? bc all the world's struggles were clearly bc of an alien instead of any human fault???? or something?????#idk i havent gotten that far yet. but thats what ive gathered from online.#for as wonderful of characters as kishimoto writes he really isnt that great at overall plot.#compelling world. fascinating interactions. cool fights and mechanics.#unfortunately he set up a guy to be a big bad and he died before even halfway through and now we have to watch several hundred episodes #of the most Ninjas One Upping Each Other In Make Believe plotlines ever #like the 'i hit you' 'well i have a shield that blocks hits' 'well i hit you with a sword that cuts through anything'#'well i cast a spell before you hit me that makes me invulnerable to attacks' etc etc COME ON MAN it gets so BORING.#i miss the good old days of sakura fighting sasori. now shes sidelined to the medic tents bc shes a poor vulnerable medic or w/e #idk some parts of this is cool. but so much of it is unsatisfying. like the bijuu battle??? come on.#naruto making friends with kurama was great. the fight with all the jinchuuriki was pretty boring.#like come on this is supposed to be a Big Deal. aaaand what do we have now? another fucking bijuu bomb.#oh wait theyre all casting the bijuu bomb together!!! no worries naruto is making a bijuu bomb of the same exact size #so they counteract and shoot into the stratosphere and theres a Big Boom! wow! so original!#yawn. yawn especially at the madara vs kages fight. at least im enjoying the uchiha bros vs kabuto fight.

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malewifehenrycooldown · 10 days ago

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*vibrates uncontrollably* someone uploaded an hour long video documenting the rise and fall of DOA games LETS GOOO

#A DOA VIDEO FOR THE NEW YEAR?!#doatecposting #shallow rambles #it’s called ‘how dead or alive failed to become popular’ which is kinda a misleading title #BUT I get why. I mean it struggles to stand up next to more well known titles like MK tekken; street fighter etc #it was popular but monetisations / microtransactions killed it and also doa6 had a horrible launch and reputation #it sucks that the only way the franchise has gone forward is one of those weird management sims with dating sim stuff #Attached to it to but is more so marketed to cishet men. there probably a large fanbase of women:LGBT+ players but #it’s really hard to break that perception unfortunately DUE to its reputation #I wish for the day DOA can properly shake off it’s very weird male gaze-ness and be idk approachable for everyone

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6ftoverxoxo · 12 days ago

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Yall thought I was dead?

Dw I’m dissapointed aswell🤣😝

#sorry for inactivity yall my bf just broke up with me and I am lowk struggling so hard rn like I can’t fucking deal with living or just #existing. I wish I was dead fr like I mean that so much I don’t want to wake up anymore #self h@rm #self h@te #self mutalition #tw self destruction #i need to cvt #i wanna kms #hate myself #cvtt!ng #suic1de #blog

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kreftropod · 20 days ago

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#winter depression hitting hard #ignore me it's almost 2am my brain is just very loud #feeling like a pretender in my own skin #pretty sure whoever I was died on that kitchen floor years ago #and whoever I am now is just some fraud that no one misses anyways #and this pretender in a dead persons skin is struggling to fall asleep and is so very very tired...#wish these last 10 years never happened #delete later

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phagodyke · 3 months ago

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aouuugh my uterus......

#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain #and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it #like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works #so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time #i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone #just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all #but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want #but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability #which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need #but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a #break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man #sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things #and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable #factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most #and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset #man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower #and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore #maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work #all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think #.diaries #oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr ��

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theood · 3 months ago

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It might just be a lot of things. I really don't know. I don't like not having any energy after work but it staves off a lot of our thought processes but at the same time I don't love it. It's tolerable but I want to be doing something else. I wanna be in the dirt and I want to feel the earth under my feet and I want to know she's listening to me and telling me it's ok and I want to take care of her like she's taken care of me. I want to plant trees and cut back weeds and learn to identify our native plants and I just can't do any of that and make a living. It's not even a volunteer opportunity for me. I'm just some random citizen who didn't even go to school for any of it. And I'm so lonely. I'm the loneliest I've been. I love all my friends online I do. Truly and wholly but it doesn't help the fact that I have no one around me irl. And it hurts. And I'm scared. And I am so small all the time. And I just want it to change.

#elias.zip #i think. that dreamis affecting me a little more than I thought it did. it really exemplified that I feel like everyone sees me as not tryin #g to make connections in my adult life but im in a dead town with an aging population i didnt grow up in or around. i can't find public even #ts that would get me around people my age. I can't drive still to go places anyways and I struggle so fucking with the entire process anyway #s that even with the stars aligned I fuck myself over anyways. I'm too weird. too quiet. too loud. not assertive. weird. weird. weird. werid #. just some fucking crybaby.#everyone's moved on from being anxious but not me. I can't do it. i try and try and try and try and push myself out of my comfort zone but n #obody wants new friends. and my interests are too niche. and i dont fit in and nobody wants to be friends with the baby because all he does #is cry and god I've felt worse moving here than i ever did back at the old house and it feels like I'm never going to get to see what cou #ldve been I'm stuck like this!!#sometimes i really wish i could just leave. leave it all. vanlife or backpack or something and learn why i was made to live as a human. i ju #st want to go back home. I wanna see my packmates again. I'll do better this time. Please. I'm sorry

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crtastrophic · 8 months ago

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of course you have white hyphae and pronouns

#finished T. Kingfisher's What Moves the Dead #a short and entertaining enough read — though I struggled a bit to suspend my disbelief regarding the supposedly historical setting #it wanted to do some interesting things with gender but I'm not sure it pulled it off or what to make of it #I want it to be good but upon further reflection it really isn't. sigh #kitchat #also as with so much art that involves like. personhood and body horror and fundamentally alien ways of perceiving the world—#— I found myself wishing it would have just gone harder somehow #I can't put my finger on How but I'll know it when I see it #honestly the answer might just be Put More Transgender In It #okay edit i think i wanted the characters to suck more. they all felt too wholesome especially in a story based on gothic horror

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